Is wallowing in self pity an option?

When life changes, what do you do?

cj,mama

Yeah, really, what do you do? So many people choose to wallow in their failures, their losses, and in the unexpectedness of life’s many changes. On one hand, there are the few like me who literally take each day as it comes. That doesn’t mean that I am unprepared for tomorrow. It just means that I have grown to appreciate today for what it is, today.

It may have to do with the fact that one Saturday morning – February 11, 2012, and that day is imprinted in my mind, I got the worse news possible – my grandma had suffered a massive heart attack and died.

This was the day  I woke up and took notice of the fact that one day we are here, the next GONE. This was the day I asked myself, when life changes, what must I do?

To understand my deep rooted sense of loss is to understand my love for my grandma. She was my mom! She was my world! She was my LIFE. After her sudden passing, many things changed in my life.

I found that I doubted God. I had become selfish. It wasn’t about that it was her time; it was about me not being ready. I couldn’t accept it. I couldn’t believe it. I hated GOD, not God, but the idea that he could do that to me. My axis had shifted. My world had somehow ceased to rotate, yet continued to rotate without me. I found that I had lost my purpose, my sense of who I am and where I was heading. I never got to the point of not wanting to live; I got to the point of not choosing to function. And there’s a difference.

Eventually, I found myself speaking to her…begging her to give me a sign, something, anything. What mamawas I looking for, I really had no idea.  What I do know now is that I never got that sign (I have dreamt of her, but that’s it). I never got that reassurance that she is ok, that all will be well. What did I have of her? Memories. Something that life could never, ever take away from me.

The only thing I got to know is that when life suddenly changes, I have no choice, no option, but to move on. Wallowing in self-pity does not become me. It serves no purpose, no function. I can choose to be sorry for me. I can choose to be selfish…but nothing changes because the world continues to move on with or without me.

I had those moments where on days like today I can reminisce. I can smile. I can cry…but most of all, I can remember. I can continue to live, not just exist.

So, I can honestly say that today is a very good day. But in all fairness, when life changes, what do you do? What can you do?

The only thing you can …..MOVE ON. LIVE not just EXIST.

mama 1
pic of Mama, CJ and I – (Dominica) Oct 2010

And on a brighter note… you must visit Dominica, the Nature Isle of the Caribbean

DOMINICA, not the Dominica Republic. There is absolutely no comparison
There is absolutely no comparison

da 2 dc5 dca 3 dca 4 DCA6  DCA8

....disclaimer …  

I must acknowledge that there are those who have experiences beyond what I can ever contemplate (knocks on wood). Therefore, this post is in no way other than what it is about…my life.

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