Yesterday was the hardest day yet. Since dealing with these deaths and murder I haven’t really found the time to simply crash and burn. Seeing your face plastered all over the news, social media, responding to reporter questions, getting contacted by the media and receiving all the “I’m sorry” has left me depleted. I went through this on automation, only to go home and crash and burn.
This morning, I’m back at it again trying to find the balance between my reality and yours. You are no more, but I still want you here. In my need to keep you alive in my mind, I replay these memories; of our childhood, of the few moments we spent in our adulthood, of seeing your remains, or trying to talk to you, wishing I’d dream about you, that you’d come visit me, and so many more wishes. If wishes were dollars I’d be a millionaire ten times over just for the times that I’ve wished a different outcome. I think of strange things and I find myself revisiting our upbringing and our culture and it is in those moments that I am my weakest. I’m not questioning my faith, but I’m starting to wonder, not really believe, but to question whether something more sinister was at hand.
I’m starting to replay the rumors in my head and I find that I focus on an evil that I do not believe in, that I do not understand, nor do I want to, that I do not even want to think on. But, I am forced to. I cannot go a day without wondering if all the stories about your demise are part of some evil of the “shamay” kind, like the rumors keep saying. The kind where the words of my grandmother “either she kills him or he kills her”, are reverberating in my ears. Could it be that all these stories have some basis?
And I continuously ask questions and try to make sense of all this information which I am privy to. I question whether you were under some influence of a spell? Was that the reason that no matter how volatile the relationship, neither of you could leave? Was your death the freedom needed for that quick transition? Did you even matter? Was that even love? Was there motivation behind your death? Was there some plan to kill you? Was there some plan to get rid of all your belongings? Where are your belongings? Was that part of it? Where is the proof that you existed outside of all this? Where is the history of your life? How can someone simply disappear with no word? There are so many questions with so many multiple choice answers. So many…..
But right now, I am forced to just wonder that if evil exist and this murder was something of another kind, how does justice get served? What kind of powers would I be battling against in trying to prove and show that a murder most foul occurred two years ago. Was it really an attempt to break a “shamay” and is that even real?
I know that in the Dominican culture that these kinds of talks of evil are very prevalent. But really, does that even exist? Can a woman “tie”, also known as bind, a man to her under some kind of spell until he becomes powerless? Can you be so trapped in a relationship that you can’t leave its confines? Can someone be so sick that she’d choose to do that to someone else, someone whom she claims to love? And if that happens, how does this spell get broken? Were the words of my grandmother some kind of prophecy? Did she know that this was the fate awaiting my brother? Is this how it’s supposed to end? Is that the reality of an evil love?
Can this even be true? In all reality, can there even be an ounce of truth in this?
Personally, I believe that the truth will never be known. My belief is that there are 3 versions of the truth in regards to anything. I am convinced that every person to an event has an individual interpretation. There will always be some biased version of the truth from all accounts and people will continually perceive and interpret things differently. Therefore, rest assured that this situation holds no different in my view.
In this murder most foul story, the three sides will go down like this: the murderer’s side (sorry, I can’t use the word accused when someone has been going around confessing to killing my brother). Then there is my murdered brother’s side, which undoubtedly, will never be heard, and somewhere in between these two, will always lie the truth as to what really happened and why.
And the truth of the matter will never ever be asserted for only one side will be told… and that is the side that will somehow try to offer some justification for committing murder. That is the side that will try to prove that the Commandment of “thou shall not kill,” somehow holds no meaning and should hold no meaning in the court of law.
But, I say , to you reading this, you may believe that there is an evil most foul that can manifest itself in that thing called “shamay”, but there is a power that is good and he is the ultimate truth.
In my weakest moments I’ve learnt to say “God, you know my heart, cleanse my thoughts.” And when these moments are gone, I know deep down that JUSTICE will prevail whether it lies in the court of law, of in the fact that I can say:
Reputation is who people think you are.
And it will continue to precede you even now that Marsha is gone. The grave in which his body was dumped will be the grave in which a reputation was dug up and won’t be reburied.
Whether or not there was evil there…. The fact remains that Rumor is what people say you are.
And it was started way before Murder most foul occurred on that fateful night 2 years ago.
R.I.P Marsha – thank you for preparing me for this battle. I promise to let the versions of this heinous crimes be heard. And when justice, in whatever form comes down, that I will go back and write your story without holding back, no holds barred!!!!
Right now, I can only give versions of my beliefs, but eventually, I’ll be able to write the complete story with no edited versions, in the name of justice.