Today, I wasn’t prepared, but I was. I looked at your face, familiar yet so strange. How death has changed you so. I see you, but I do not see you. I don’t see you, I see your son. It’s complicated, but today, looking at you in that casket, somehow put the final nail in that coffin.
It is hard to articulate, but seeing you lying there, you, but not you, not yourself, made me accept that this is it. I know that you are dead, but I have struggled to long to let you go. It seems so much harder than I expected it to be. This thing called life is so not easy. This thing called death is so not easy.
How cruel is the society that we live in. It has moved on. I have moved on, but not really. Everyday I think of you. Everyday I remember, so many happy memories, yet so much betrayal. Life has betrayed the both of us. I see you in the casket, and frankly, this is not you. I see the resemblance but I do not see you. No-one will understand this. You look so different… you look so at peace, so restful, so clueless.
Do you know that you are dead?
Do you know that you didn’t say goodbye?
Do you know that I struggle with not hearing your voice, with knowing that I’ll never see you again?
Do you even know that I cry? Do you believe that I miss you?
Do you blame me? Do you feel any sense of failure that you are not here?
Do you understand that I feel so exposed?
There are so many questions that I have for you. I’m selfish. If I could get one more chance at this, I wonder what I’d say to you.
By the way, Have you met mama? Daddy? Aunty Ann? Marsha?
I pray that you have at least met up with Marsha, for if you have, I’d be more at peace.
I remember saying that I love you a few days before. Do you know that I LOVED YOU? I hope you did, for I do. You will always be my Papa; my older brother… my protector.
Okay, now I am smiling. Guess what? Thank you for my present. I truly believe that you sent him. I think that you knew that I’d need someone. And you sent him. Thank you. He’s been my rock taking me through this. And you know what else, you did well.
Remember, you always used to say “you mad girl, one sister I have.” I now know what you really meant. You were always there to protect me and when you knew that both of my favourite men would be no more; you delivered.
Thank you for that. You sent him to take care of me… and he is. You knew what I needed only like you could.
I feel like this greater power out there had this plan from long ago. 10 yrs later, almost to the day, I got a hello from the other side. Perhaps that was your clue to me. I didn’t know it then, but I know it now. Thank you….
You can truly rest peacefully now. I’ll never forget you… you’ll always be in mind, heart, life.
Death may separate us, but it can never keep us apart.
Rest easy bro…. today, I looked at you and I realized that this wasn’t you, you are alive in your son. Thank you for that. Thank you….
Love…. your one and only sis. No one has that honour but me.