I. f**king. HATE. you

And I always f**king will for what you have done. Today of all days, I have an overwhelming urge to to do what others have failed to do. If I was a weaker human being, I’d succumb to my thoughts, but alas, even then, they are way to humane and “tame” for you.

As I end the day, I am still very much consumed by my thoughts. you are here, your accomplice is here, and everyone else involved is still here. Yet, a part of me is gone. Many parts have withered away. No one will understand it. Perhaps, many will pity me, but I don’t need nor want pity. What I need is that his name is never forgotten and that his memory lives on. Today is his birthday, and still the black widow lives on. Allegedly two victims later and still the freedom to weave a web of deceit, lies and murder continues. And here I am, a prisoner of my feelings and emotions.

But I promise, I’ll not rest. There may be days when I do not call his name, or he’ll be just at the back of my mind. But I’ll never forget him. His name will always live on my lips like a constant siren’s call….MARSHA, MARSHA, MARSHA.

And, I won’t find peace nor justice. At least not the kind the murders deserve. But I’ll find comfort in the fact that people will know, people do know, and I’ll make them NEVER forget. If my thoughts could kill, right now, I’d be a murderer a million times over. 

There is an unbroken continuous pain. And yes, I do say unbroken and continuous. It won’t ever ever go away. It can’t. Too many events have happened simultaneously to ever lighten the pain, but it will ebb at some point. It has too. Perhaps, some of it may just flicker in the not so distant future, but until then, even until justice (the Dominican kind) is served; I’ll always have a constant reminder.

Growing up as a religious Catholic, I was taught to forgive and forget. Frankly, that’s a whole load of crap spread by a bunch of pious people; many of whom conveniently will forget those teachings at some point in time. (I’m pretty sure that at some future time, when I’m reading this, I’ll cringe and ask the white man’s GOD to forgive me; for I’ve yet to discover the GOD of my ancestors). But for now, I’m mentally breaking so many commandments that perhaps, if I were to leave this earth today, I may burn in eternal flames for the hatred I have in my thoughts. 

It is said that I must not commit murder. And in my thoughts, I’ve seriously failed. I’m a murderer many times over in my thoughts. And I’ll continue to be one until this venom in my mind has been extracted. And yes, in my mind, I’ve killed my brother’s killer many times over. And it’s sad, that I spend so many of my thoughts on this – but I’ve a hatred for these people, especially that woman and her alleged other man, that cannot be labelled anything other than HATRED. And again, I’ve vowed to let his name never be forgotten; MARSHA, MARHSA, MARSHA.

Ironically, my conscious mind will never allow me to voice my thoughts into words because I maintain that I’ll breathe positivity into my life. Yet, I struggle in my mind to balance those heinous mental crimes which I carry out. Perhaps, I am a little bit delusional in thinking that my thoughts are harmless. But they are my reality. And I’m not frightened by them. I think that in some weird way, they give me strength.

If anything, it’s is just that weak part of my human nature which has shown its face today. And I am human after all. And what I’ve been through has shaped both my conscious and sub-consious thought. And trust me, there are many days where my anger, disappointment and hatred ruin my days. But this is life. As it goes on, so too do these thoughts ebb, these negative memories fade, and I develop tighter control on my thoughts.

But yes, we are all potential killers and I’ve committed murder many times over; by explosion, stabbing, burying the victim alive, shooting, all those heinous ways I’ve seen on True Crimes and other tv shows. And I’m sure I’ll continue to commit these murders; it is my truth.

And i’ll have to believe that in time, this too shall pass because like those pious believers, I too know that “vengeance is mine says the Lord”. And so this little part of me which still hangs on to my faith will leave the final justice to him.

I am a murderer, until my thoughts free me.

In the mean time, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARSHA.

Happy Birthday little brother. Sleep well and I hope that your soul is at peace.

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