Better to light one candle than to curse….

the darkness!

I have to believe that. There are too many apt proverbial sayings to my life these days. And it is frightening how the darkness which surrounds me comes from the blood of my ancestors, my family, my relatives. Jealousy I’ve learnt is a very DANGEROUS, DANGEROUS emotion, feeling, or whatever it is quantified as being.

This one dangerous element when found in your own family, becomes the poisoned apple of your life. And sadly, you may not escape it. You are forced to accept that you must not throw pearls to swine; and I’ve learnt that lesson.

But sometimes, the most important lessons are the ones which are forced upon you. I’ll never forget today. And I’ll never forget who said it, how it was said, and how I felt.

Today, I learnt that: I AM ENOUGH. I AM BLESSED. 

And these two phrases were very significant because they came from my husband. He knows me and understands me better than anyone else. I am strong, yet I am weak. I have a fear of failure. I have a fear of going back to a life where I have nothing. I am constantly pushing myself. I never mentally slow down. I have an intense need to be ahead of the game….but most of all, I always prepare for the worse case scenario. And that is my weakness.

Today I learned that: I AM SUCCESSFUL.

And for some reason, when he said it, I believed him. I am at a point in my life where I’m constantly trying to achieve. And don’t get me wrong. That’s ok. But, I’ve failed to take the time to appreciate the distance I’ve come. And I’ve come a long way. I’ve made many sacrifices. I’ve fallen countless times; I’m still falling. But I get right back up.

Yet, throughout all these tribulations, I still fail to appreciate that I have risen. I move on with little appreciation of the ordeal which I have dealt with. I’m very accepting of the negative forces which come my way. I have an expectation of them. What I fail to do is understand and accept the lessons which they have taught me. I remain the same naive, trusting and open person I’ve always been.

For some unknown reason, I’ve become successful at sectioning parts of my experiences away. When my dad and two brothers died in 2016, I sought therapy. Not because I didn’t understand what I was going through, but because I was able to compartmentalize my feelings and function “normally.” I had tremendous guilt and difficulty with the death of my brothers. I had countless resentment for the family members left behind. I had countless resentment for my ability to be strong.

But through those sessions, I discovered that I AM NORMAL. I’m just more mentally strong and capable of dealing with life trauma in a way where I can detach and protect my sanity. And this is how I go through life.

The darkness which surrounds me, is not really my darkness. My light is what keeps me moving on. My innocence, or perhaps my ability to cocoon myself in my safe mental space has saved me.

And today, I learnt that I AM ABLE.

I am able to live a life on my terms. I am able to count my blessings when so many wish they had just a few. I’m reminded that there are worse things and situations than what I live through. So when I wallow in my selfishness and ask “who wants to deal with this?” I will forever be reminded in the words of my husband “there’s someone out their dying from cancer.”

So, in all this, today I was reminded that half a loaf is better than no bread. And so, as I continue to be riddled with the negativity and the darkness being emitted by those around me, I’m forced to light my candle. I’ll let that little beacon guide me and lead me through the tough times.

And instead of focusing on the tough times, I’ll appreciate having made it through.

Yet, I’ll still believe that: Forewarned is forearmed!!! 

So yes, I’ll prepare for the worse case scenario, but I will no longer make it the focus of my healings.

 

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